There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
