So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
