I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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