I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
