Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When are your genitals available?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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