I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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