It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The air was thick with penises
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
