I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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