No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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