The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You're like the curious george of whores
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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