I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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