Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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