Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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