So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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