Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
A+ Viking dick
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
