I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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