Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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