omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
