The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
