i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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