I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I have post one night stand depression
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
