Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
