there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ttyl tear gas
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
