The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
her vagine was all disorganized.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
