Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
