He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
