She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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