That reminds me...we need to get swords
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
