Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
