If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
