No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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