so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
