puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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