Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
