I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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