I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
