There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
