I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
