If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
