five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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