my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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