You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
