A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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