I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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