I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
