You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She needs sedatives and a leash
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
