Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
