YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
