i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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