Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
