Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
