i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
