My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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