honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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