Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
